As much as I hate being that person who puts their relationship all over the internet, I have to say something here. Anyway it's not really about the relationship; that's more of a context.
As I've mentioned to most people who know me as other than words on a screen, BF fixes computers. Only, he took a side job, a several years ago now, even though the pay sucked, because the hours were there. This job has sent him out of town for close to a week at a time, making it impossible for him to build his business up to where it covered his expenses; part of the plan when we started renting on the same property, thus being able to split bills, was that, since I was starting a much better paying job at the same time and would be bringing in more than our previous combined income, I would handle what would otherwise be a shortfall when he quit the crappy job to build his client list up. The plan was for this to have happened two and a half years ago, a couple months into that job for me so that I'd have some savings put back, but the job went all wrong (could a person who wasn't me have made it work? potentially; were there other factors that undermined me? definitely; do I want to go into the details? not at the moment, it doesn't currently matter) and I wasn't able to hold up my end of that deal.
So all the rest of this is in effect my fault.
Ever since then we've been trying to find another chance for BF to quit the crappy job and build his business. Not just because it's a crappy job -- after all, someone has to do the crappy jobs too -- but because there's no future in it. There's been neither an actual raise nor a cost of living adjustment since he signed on, in 2007 or so. Not even a change to the milage reimbursement rates when gas keeps going up. And you can get fired for doing exactly the job they tell you to do, in exactly the intended time, if you go into overtime on the wrong client. Anyone should quit a job like that if they can. There have actually been chances -- when I got my student loans from WGU, that created a cushion that could have been used, and we planned to try to do that, several times. Every time, there was a series of "just another busy couple weeks to get through" until the cushion dwindled. Then, his boss quit as of the first of last month, and he said he would quit at the same time, and then..."just another busy couple weeks to get through" happened again and he's still there. He's saying there's a week left now, or something...I don't even hear the amount of time any more, really.
Last night, he told me about a part time job running paperwork around that he's going to do (he theoretically hasn't agreed to it as yet but I can see how this is going) for one of his clients, at the same pay rate as the crappy job. This on top of an out-of-town contract job completely unrelated to his business, that pays well at first glance, but, after a hotel room and meals out...
So basically we had an argument last night about how even if he actually does quit the crappy job he's filling up almost his whole schedule with low-value activities and won't have time to promote his business anyway. Completely pointless to argue about I know, me making a bitch of myself isn't going to change how he plans. And most of the time I choke it in, for just that reason, because it's pointless. Even though what I'm choking in is two and a half years, now, in which every damn time he mentions that job I know it's my fault he still has to do it. He's locked away from doing what he was meant to do because I failed at what I thought I was meant to do (assuming for the moment that there is such a thing as "meant to." I don't like that concept because in the past several years evidence has accumulated that I'm meant to be useless).
Every time he has to go waste his time on that stuff, what I hear, because that's a consequence of this, is that I'm a waste of space.
Sometimes this slips out.
Maybe I'm too good at acting normal, because somehow he's still surprised when it slips out, somehow he doesn't know that that's what I hear.
I can't un-know that it's my fault, so it would be irrational to stop feeling bad about it.
And I have to act normal, and even do stuff that's outside of most people's normal range, through this.