One day, all three classes got chewed out for various things. It’s not any one kid’s fault…about half of each class doesn’t let themselves get dragged into the insanity anyway, and several others just follow along when the popular kids act up. But, I had various things like talking during worktimes to yell at each class about leaving their junk in desks, talking while I was trying to tell them important stuff, not paying attention, etc. And over the course of (outdoor, in weather that’s down to 107 at 6:30) end-of-day duty, I sprouted a migraine. I thought about how nice it would be to just go home, but I had students staying for study hall; I had to stay. Turned out to be a good thing, even with the headache, because I got to actually teach instead of yelling at them about acting up. Got me to thinking that if they’d calm down just a little maybe I wouldn’t be coming home with headaches.

Today, I was going over classroom expectations during all three classes because I’m sick of talking about “how to shut up and listen” in a polite way, and when I gave the kids five minutes to turn papers in or ask me questions about other things, the noise level got going and the principal came in from next door where she was observing the other math teacher. Frack. First, the time she officially observed me I was trying something new so of course I crashed and burned. Today, she showed up when the kids were being freaking ridiculous in the middle of when I was trying to teach them how to act like human beings. As I said today at lunch, laughing but covering my eyes because I wasn’t sure that it wasn’t going to turn into crying, she never sees me when I’m doing anything good.

The other math teacher says I’m being too nice. I don’t know how to toughen up any more than I already am; compared to the school where I student-taught, I’m strict. One student came in with a letter from the family to the effect that I’d better loosen up on that kid or they’ll be taking it up with the district–I’m trying to decide whether it’s worth it to talk to a union rep about that one. I know that part of it is that I student-taught in a school where the principal was a bit disconnected from the classroom, so it’s different for there to be actual expectations…the adjustment isn’t easy. I didn’t learn how to handle this, in my so-called preparation.

I chose this district because they actually have standards and give a crap about how they’re doing by the students, among other things–on some level I can’t explain it, it just felt right. I knew going in that it wouldn’t be like the schools I knew much about in Oregon, where anything went as long as they didn’t run screaming through the halls. Part of it is that the timing sucks…all these new programs coming down the line, like the evaluation system that slaughtered me on that one observation and this “standards-based gradebook” that it seems like most of the teachers aren’t bothering with but I’m trying to get to work because I’d be learning something completely new this year anyway so it might as well be the thing that they’re talking about making mandatory next year. Trying to figure out all this new stuff, that even the veteran teachers are having issues with, on top of being first-year and coming out of a system that needed to drive out to Volde*Mart and buy at least a cheap crappy clue, I just can’t. I mean, I can, and I probably will, but sometimes…

The eighth grade language arts teacher said that if I needed to come in and vent and cry that was fine since that’s part of what the team is for. Sweet of her to offer. I probably won’t do it. I just about broke down as it was, just too much and all that. Venting I can do, but I will not cry in front of people that I don’t actually know that well.

No training wheels. Slightly fewer people constantly poking me, at least, since most of the kids’ parents, other than that one, seem to have backed off just a little now that the grades are going up (so I guess I know where their priorities are…) plus they have their regular lives to deal with. I’m no one’s top priority. I’m just a cog in the machine and the training wheels are gone. On the one hand that’s a good thing–it’s time, I know it’s time. But on the other, there’s that whole reservoir of self-doubt that WOU left behind in me, and even though it doesn’t hurt like it used to it’s still so easy for things to tap into it.

And the only thing I can think of to fix it, going back in time and changing enough about where I did my student teaching, is impossible.

I never remember my dreams.  Scraps and pieces, maybe a general mood, but not enough to be coherent.  So when I remember a whole theme plus a series of mental images, that’s significant.  The last time was about a year and a half ago, when I was working for the after-school program.

Last Wednesday, I dreamed that it was Saturday.  So what did I do in my dream?  I slept in, “waking” periodically to check the clock, think “it’s OK, I can sleep in, it’s Saturday,” and around 11:30 Dream Time I woke up for real with the help of my alarm clock, at the appropriate time for a weekday.

That can’t be a good sign.

Also, and I think this may also have been Wednesday (I don’t remember exactly), I stayed really late at the school.  On my way out, I ran into the assistant principal, who told me to “go home and get a life.”  When I’m working hours that make administrators wonder, that can’t be a good sign either.

Please comment here if you’ve had problems trying to comment in about the last month (it’s fixed now, I think). It’d be especially helpful if anyone can remember exactly when they had the problem.