People wonder why I can’t remember what I had for breakfast. This might explain why things get crowded out of my brain:

• Kiesler’s Elementary Calculus–I’ve mentioned this before. I wish I were working through it faster.
• CAP Mission Scanner course–this one’s still on order. When it gets here, it’ll be pretty much priority 1, because I want to get that Find ribbon. That’ll be a story to tell my students.
• Other CAP stuff–I’m also studying for Technician ratings in Aerospace Education and Cadet Programs, and the Yeager award. It’s not that any of this is hard, it’s just that there’s so much of it.
• Jeppesen Private Pilot manual–I’m going to have to get the study guide for this thing. I didn’t have to work this hard to figure stuff out in college. Fortunately (sort of), I’m years away from being able to do anything where I would need to know it.
• Rosetta Stone Web-Based Welsh–technically this isn’t a book. I get it for free through Phoenix Public Library, which is pretty awesome, except that it’s being discontinued at the end of next month and the replacement program doesn’t include Welsh (grrrr). So pretty soon I’ll have to figure something else out, preferably not another yet workbook that I’ll get through the first chapter of and get bogged down. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m headed to Wales later this summer; I’d like to be able to do better than deciphering most of the signs.
• The Everything Intermediate Spanish book–tomó tres años de español en las universidades, pero necesito mejorar me vocabulario y fluencia. (I took three years of Spanish in college, but I need to improve my vocabulary and fluency.) This one’s from the library at the moment but if it helps I may buy a copy.
• And probably more stuff for WGU, but I’m not sure yet what that will be. I’ll know more in two days. Since it’ll be a Sunday when I get access, I’m thinking about trying to set a speed record for the orientation class. It’ll help, though, that I’m already studying calculus, since that’ll be on my course of study in the first or second semester.

My current prediction is that when the chips fall, this is going to be considered NCLB’s biggest problem: the focus on quickly-observable objectives gives schools and districts a fundamentally superficial mindset about what goes into education.  The problem is, teaching only a set of tricks to beat this year’s test (which is what the state objectives for the year amount to, a set of tricks) undercuts long-term generalization and growth that kids need in order to get it in later years.  By teaching fifth graders only what they need to know for the fifth grade test, we make sixth grade that much harder for them.  By the time I get them, in high school, it’s a good thing they can retake the test as many times as they need to because they’re going to need to.

It doesn’t only stay in academics, either.  Not to marginalize academics–understanding how things work makes the universe beautiful, while not understanding enough makes your paycheck say McDonalds on the top–but I saw something at my last job that scared me even more than a generation of McZombies: a generation with no values.  The quick-fix mentality extended to behavior there.

Instilling values is a hard to measure, long term process, so they “needed” a faster way to get kids to act right.  So they got a program based on a set of about 15 “social skills” that would supposedly guide the students through their lives once they learned them.  The problem is, once the kids got up close to the teenage years, they stopped caring about following the rules or using the school’s social skills because they hadn’t been taught to value doing the right thing.

So…there it is.  The best of this generation, which gets long-term teaching and values from somewhere else and internalizes them, will still be the best.  And the worst, of course, will always exist.  But the kids in the middle are being pushed down by superficial quick fixes, by not being taught a better way to think and live.

I can say this for the school I’m at now, though: They at least know that there are gaps in the state standards and that kids need to be set up for the next year.  As I’ve found, that’s an advanced level of getting it, compared to most school administrators.

I keep getting a zone-out going on or forgetting what I was saying. I keep wanting to just not wake up that day, every morning. I’m so tired that I’m feeling it in my arms and legs, again. Insurance runs out in two days so there’s no way I could get in time for bloodwork to rule out medical causes, plus there wasn’t anything the last two times I did that, except borderline B-12 last time. As addicted to VitaminWater as I am, that’s a possibility; I’ve noticed that I seem to crave things that I physically need.

No one feels like it every day, I tell myself. That’s why there are paychecks or even good people wouldn’t get much done.

I’m in education. It’s May. Everyone’s burned out in May. I don’t know anyone that isn’t counting down the remaining student contact days (5).

I’m a first year teacher, therefore I have no money; I do however still have bills, including stuff coming at me for the next few months. I should be signed up to teach summer school (I even got an offer, once I was busy with other plans) but I just can’t this year. I know what my body and mind can take and this year I just don’t have it in me. Everything bugs me. Next year, maybe.

No one feels like it every day and everyone’s burned out in May. This I tell myself, to keep myself from quitting. I recite a list of names of kids who I’ve done something for that seemed to matter, as a litany against talking myself into finding a nice easy mindless McJob. I recite the names of kids who I almost reached, to remind myself that I am required to give a damn every fracking day or else the list will get longer faster.

I’m almost shaking with tiredness, and I have too much to do tonight. I’ll be lucky to get started. It’s time to go home.

Okay, once and for all, here’s my take on the candidates.

Obama…too much drama

Hillary…eww

An Obama-Hillary ticket: If this happens, we know that Obama is suicidal.  There is no other reason to make his continued existence the only thing between Hillary and the big chair.

McCain: Meh

So who am I voting for?

If McCain manages to pick a good running mate, I’ll vote for that ticket…because, let’s face it, McCain doesn’t have four years as president in him.  That’s like ten in the real world even during peacetime, and he’s already kind of a geezer.  (Side note: I don’t have anything against geezers, but after a certain point, they do tend to die and stuff.)  So a vote for McCain is a vote for his vice president.

Otherwise, I’m writing in my cat.  I think Chilsa might be 35 in cat years and I’m pretty sure he was born here.

While at Target today, I picked up a half gallon of 1% milk.  Yes, I know, 1% is more or less the bastard child of the dairy, on account of the diet nuts want skim and the anti-dieters want at least 2%; however, the price steps down 10 cents per level as the milk gets thinner, and I just can’t go for skim, so 1% it is.  At least that was the original reasoning–now, I’m just used to it.

Probably you figured out, from that last sentence, that I’m cutting budgets like a Libertarian.  So if you’re thinking, your next question is, why did I get the half-gallon, when the full gallon is twice as much for only half again the price?  And that is, dear reader, a most excellent question.  The answer is simple: in my experience, as a single person who doesn’t do a ton of cooking and doesn’t usually have time for breakfast so the cereal thing doesn’t apply, most of the gallon goes to waste.  If I’m going to have more than half of the gallon go bad, I should cut my losses and get the half gallon.  I figured this out after a year or so of “but the gallon is the better deal!”

The thing is…I’ve noticed a quirky pattern about myself…that leads me to think that it would help if I could be a little more freaking consistent.  When I get the half-gallon, I drink more milk than when I get the full gallon.  Today, in particular, I’ve already almost gone through the half gallon.  At this rate the gallon would have been cheaper after all.

How weird am I?  I mean, about this?

I found a way to construct a square with compass and straightedge.  I think I see a way of making other shapes too but I’m still working on how to generalize it.  Have a look:

This is kind of a desperate plea for anyone out there that knows people that know people at British Midland.  My dad impulse-bought a ticket for me on Expedia (side note: yaaaaaay vacation, I NEED one of those), a few months ago, and he’s been trying to fix an issue ever since.  I’m trying to find contact information for the airline but…if anyone has a useful contact…it could help

The trip there…could be better, could be worse, at least I can theoretically crash early the night before and be fresh when I get on the plane.  And the only time I’ve ever managed to sleep on a plane was on an eastward transatrantic trip so there’s a chance I’ll at least be able to break it up.  With time zone differences, it works out to something like 20 hours.

Tue 15-Jul-08
Depart Phoenix (PHX) 6:35 am
Arrive Chicago (ORD) 11:57 am
Depart Chicago (ORD) 6:30 pm
Arrive Manchester (MAN) 8:05 am +1 day

The trip back, however…is going to be brutal.  Two long layovers (about 10 and about 9) as well as a completely unnecessary flight in there, and it starts late enough in the day that I’ll be already tired.  I might be able to sleep on the transatlantic leg, but then again, I might not.  Sleep doesn’t come easy for me on airplanes because I can feel and hear things that are going on as part of the flight.  If I did the math right, and oh how I hope I didn’t, I’ll be in transit for about 32 hours, starting in the evening–so if nothing changes and I don’t manage to sleep on the way, I’ll be up for close to two days straight.  EPIC DUBL FAYL!!!</lolcat>  I have a migraine just thinking about it.

Thu 24-Jul-08
Depart Manchester (MAN) 9:05 pm
Arrive London (LHR) 10:15 pm
Depart London (LHR) 7:45 am +1 day
Arrive Chicago (ORD) 10:33 am
Fri 25-Jul-08
Depart Chicago (ORD) 7:55 pm
Arrive Phoenix (PHX) 9:38 pm

If you don’t have connections, I’ll also take sleep deprivation survival advice.

My first year of teaching has been mostly a process of unlearning what I learned in grad school.  I present a sample of these unlearnings below, as evidence that it should be possible to sue a college for malpractice.

Grad school: If students fail, it’s our fault.
Reality: There are only so many ways to lead a horse to water.  The horse has to make the choice to drink.

Grad school: Failure is too traumatic to inflict on a student.
Reality: Not like being that much further behind next year, huh?

Grad school: Principals get it.
Reality: The extent to which principals get it is inversely proportionate to the extent to which principals seem to agree with grad school.

Grad school: Testing for accountability is the spawn of Satan.
Reality: The only thing worse is the alternative.

Grad school: You should have about 18-25 students.  Get to know them all.
Reality: But I have about 100!

Grad school: Assessment must be authentic and allow each student to show his/her/its individuality.  (n.b. everyone must then pass: you can’t mark down individuality because everyone is perfect at being themself)
Reality: NUMBERS DAMMIT!  The kids have to have a reason to work!

Grad school: Adjust your demands for students who are [insert at-risk category here].  Without lowering your expectations.
Reality: What?!

Grad school: Set clear expectations and give your students the freedom to explore the material.  At the same time.
Reality: Sequentially, maybe.  At the same time, give me a break.

Grad school: Students misbehave because they have unmet needs.  Spoil them.
Reality: Because rewarding bad behavior will really make it stop.

Grad school (note: actually I met this one in the first job): Students misbehave because they don’t have social skills.  Teach them.
Reality: Students misbehave because they don’t give a crap.  Plus if they’ve been in that program for that many years and they still don’t have social skills, it can’t be that good of a program.

Grad school: Assessments must be designed by the teacher because only the teacher knows the students well enough to authentically assess the students.
Reality: Assessments are supposed to test skills.  Skills are pretty much the same whoever does them–there can be style differences but it works or it doesn’t.  The test in the book is probably fine.

Speaking of kicking anthills.

Now, I get that there’s no one right way to blog and people can write whatever they want to. In practice it seems like this ends up meaning that people mostly write about themselves, with varying amounts of other stuff they’re interested in. One could argue that the extent to which the author assumes their life will be interesting to others is a measure of self-centeredness; I don’t think it’s an absolute measure but a correlation seems likely. This would explain why most teenagers blog.

However, even aside from the issue of self-centeredness, how do people decide which things about them are important enough to blog? Scanning my own blog quickly for something to go off of, I see a bit of religion, a gas price that doesn’t look that bad any more, my car going crazy, more political commentary than I’d like but it is that year (%@#*&), some overdue housecleaning and how much better it would be with a helicopter, a lolcat, something that looks like a D&D session, an obnoxious test, my rant on taxes and the economy, some blathering about the meaning of life or something, a triscuit, and a series of posts involving my stolen cell phone. That’s not an exhaustive list; it’s more like the low-hanging fruit. So basically, I notice a lot of stuff to rant about, and a lot of quirky stuff. Other people would probably say that noticing funny stuff and going off on annoying stuff are reasonably typical of me. So, within certain limits, the stuff I think and talk about becomes the stuff I blog about.

Here’s where the anthill comes in.

My sister got married about a week ago. I can’t point you at it in her blog because she hasn’t posted anything about it. Her haircut, however, got two posts. Maybe this is just my crazy idea, but I’m pretty sure that getting married should be at least as important as a haircut. I hereby present this as evidence that society’s values are fracked.

(Full disclosure: Yes, I did once blog a haircut. Once. And I haven’t gone and gotten married.)

Now and then…all right, let’s face it, too often; I need to get out of my head…I look at where I am and who I am. Now and then, I even figure something out.

Contrary to grad school telling us that we were all going to be leaping tall IEPs in a single bound, I’ve turned out so far to be a mediocre teacher. Contrary to grad school, and then Pendergast, telling us that nothing but perfect was good enough, I’m OK with that. I’m first-year; I have a right to be mediocre. After all I’ve had to do to drag myself to this point, I deserve to be mediocre for a while.

The problem is, in pretty much everything else I can think of in my life, I’m falling short there too…on any given measure I can think of, I’m so far from who and what I was supposed to be right now, especially for what I used to be. I miss being a kid, for that; I like the independence now but I also liked being good at stuff, and as a general rule I’m not any more. “Good at stuff” as the foundation of my identity doesn’t work so well when it stops being true. It doesn’t help, I guess, that work is pretty much the only thing in my life. That’s what makes it hard to accept being mediocre; if I’m only doing one thing, I should at least be good at it.