It’s pushing hard on 3 AM.  I drank caffeine too late in the day yesterday (…and my sleep schedule was getting wonky anyway, to be honest), so I couldn’t sleep last night…I had nowhere to be this morning, err, yesterday morning, so I slept waaaaaaaaaay in.  Until, like, noon.  So in spite of how late it is, I still haven’t had a full standard awake day.  I’m considering staying up because I have to actually get stuff done tomorrow.  More likely I’ll set a 2-hour alarm and leave a light on so I don’t get good sleep (which would lead to so much sleep that I ended up without enough time to get anything done tomorrow) but I at least get the mental day reset.  Either way, ick.

I’m working on Geometry stuff now.  Because the hard end-of-semester deadline is just a few weeks away, because I’ve only actually finished two of the seven assessments (before tonight, I’d only finished one and was a third of the way through the second) and some of the rest are going to be doozies, and because it’s the most productive way I can come up with to kill the time until I’m tired enough to actually sleep instead of just stare at the ceiling.  Now, I’m well on my way through the non-Euclidean geometry essay.  I might post a version of it sometime, it’s interesting stuff.

In a project for a geometry class I’m taking, I cite an online version of Euclid’s Elements dated 1996.  I realize that APA format recommends a 5-year rule for how current a source should be, and I understand why.  However, Euclid died in the third century BC and has been a bit backwards about putting out new editions ever since.  So, I do think that 1996 is quite current enough.

As I dig through the internet, I’ve been hearing from so many other teachers, and former teachers, that got out or want out, because of what teaching has turned into–crowd control and babysitting, basically.  The system isn’t working for the teachers, and from what I’ve seen it’s not working for the kids.  I’m not sure who it is working for, but it seems to be increasingly tolerable the further up the ladder one is.  I mean, being a principal sounds awful (paperwork and politics, ick) but they can take a freaking bathroom break.

Who owns this mess?  Who could fix it?  Who’s getting something out of the way it is?  Because a system that doesn’t work for anyone would get fixed by whoever signs off on it.

I can think of a whole better system, if I had The Button to push.  There are tons of alternatives from the top.  But, from down here…there aren’t a lot of options.  There’s what’s called teaching, aka crowd control and babysitting, and the more I think about the reality of it the less I think I can put up with what it’s turning into; I still want to do what it’s supposed to be, is the thing, and I hate the thought of walking away because I’ve never had the chance to get my feet firmly under me, but…maybe it’s too broken for me to work with.  There’s private tutoring, which isn’t really an option for a job–the hourly rate is good, the number of hours sucks.  There’s classroom aideing, which pays enough to live on for someone who lives modestly and has only the two years’ worth of student loans that are expected to get into it.  There are more options for people who have the special ed degree or license since that’s a part of the field that’s less about all fitting the same mold.

I’m trying to temper this with the facts…I’m some form of burned out right now because of getting screwed over by the last job, not every job has to be that extreme…but at this point, I don’t know if I can work myself around to be able to function in this system faster than it would spit me out again.  Maybe subbing will work for that, I don’t know…I’ll try it, if I get a chance.  But I wonder if the reason it’s not working is because it just doesn’t work, if grouping the kids by only age and expecting them to all work at the same pace on the same stuff is just fundamentally fracked to the point where it naturally chews up and spits out anyone that gets near it.  Even though I don’t want to be that statistic, the 50% that burns out in less time than it took to get through college to get there…maybe it’s time to walk away.

And do what, though?  I know that teaching, in the actual sense of the word, is what I’m supposed to be doing; I don’t even mind doing a modest amount of paperwork like a reasonably comprehensive lesson plan or anything else with some practical value.  That’s what I’m about.  There are things that I could see working my way into, further along in my career, but they’re not things a person gets to do before they pay their dues.  I kick butt at tutoring but I’ve never met anyone who could do that as a full-time job; the hours just aren’t there since most of the kids’ awake hours are taken up with being crowd-controlled.

I’m just at a loss for what to actually do.  I still want to make it work but maybe I just found out six years and $70,000 too late that it’s too much of a mess for me to function in.  If I saw anything else that uses what I’m good at and would pay the bills, I could probably walk away…but so far, I just don’t see it.

Is there anything left to fix?  Is there anything else for me, if there’s not?

This is a verbatim copy-paste from something I posted elsewhere.  It’s rated PG-13 for language (don’t read it if that bothers you, but I just said it, we’re all thinking it). (more…)

Actually, today was pretty good.  No bills (yay!).  Coupons, of which I expect to use the ones for pizza and the $10 oil change.  And ads for places I can’t afford to shop at.

I made $4,190.86 in my first day of playing the stock market today.  Unfortunately, it was a simulation with fake money, which is very sad because I could’ve paid off the car and hired moving minions with that.

I need real money to play with so that it can turn into more money.  For this, I need real money to start with.  Some amount in excess of my regular expenses.

This is more than clean out the couch time.

The cats and I and the futon mattress are here.  My car is not getting peed on.  Panther may someday emerge from the cat carrier.  Life is good.

Long story short, when a window on my apartment gets broken by an amazing flying rock, and then my car gets severely keyed (multiple scratches, nearly full length of car, down to the metal), it’s personal and I need to move.  I have an idea of who it is but not enough evidence for the police to actually do anything; they’ve got higher priorities than what looks like dumb kid stuff.  If I don’t move, at some point it’s going to become relevant that this property is protected by an armed American citizen.

People suck.

Not saying here where I’m planning to move to.  Anyone who needs updated contact information, e-mail me.